A Lustful Look

So, Matt called me a few weeks ago and asked if I would be available to teach today and referred to the passage we’ll be in. Without hesitation, I immediately say, “Of course, I’d love to!” His follow-up question was, “Do you want to read it first?” “No, I’m good!” We went on talking for a few minutes, and at the end of the call, he says, “Thanks for tackling the passage on sex.” To which I responded, “Wait, what?!” When we got off the phone, I turned to Matthew 5:27-30 and read… “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.” Matthew 5:27-30 Thanks, Matt. Now, you may be reacting to hearing these words. “This is the day I invited someone to come sit with me, and you’re talking about sex?!” You’re already shifting uncomfortably in your seat. Or, you might be thinking, “ugh, the biblical ethic of sex is so antiquated. The Bible is nothing but a bunch of ‘no’s’ when it concerns sex.” And yes, there are no’s, but the no’s are there because of the power of sex on the soul. The Bible is also full of encouragement and the positives of sex. God was the creator of intimacy experienced by a husband and wife. I also recognize this is a difficult and painful topic for some. Hearing the words of Jesus might bring up deep hurt and pain or regret in you. Your marriage or family has been impacted or ended by an affair. And the pain you’re feeling is the exact reason Jesus said these words. Or you’re sitting here today, and you’re having an affair or considering one. I want to tell you right up front, Jesus is offering you a way out, and I want to encourage you as strongly as I can, “TAKE IT!” So, let’s look at what Jesus said. “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’” Matthew 5:27 Have you ever had someone say to you, “You hear me, but you’re not listening to me”? Guys has your wife ever been talking to you while you’re working in the garage or watching the game, and in the middle of whatever she’s been saying, you suddenly hear, “You’re not listening to me!” Sound familiar to anyone? What’s your response? “I hear you. I’m not deaf!” Not the best response, but her point is that while you may be hearing the sound of her voice, you’re not listening to her words; you’re not engaged and present in the moment with her. Hearing is like collecting data; you’re taking in information and storing it away. Listening is seeking to understand, give your attention, and focus on what is said. Listening is putting down the tool in your hand, or not just muting the game but turning off the TV, closing your laptop, flipping over your phone. Listening is being an active participant in a conversation. Jesus continues in a pattern of “You’ve heard…but I’m telling you,” and he reminds the crowd of a Jewish religious law that they knew; it was no surprise. But he is countering the belief that a God-honoring sexual ethic is simply a matter of external conformity regardless of internal attitudes. “You shall not commit adultery” was the seventh of the ten commandments God gave the Israelites, written on tablets of stone. The tablets detailed God’s covenant with his people. Adultery was a capital offense, and those caught were stoned to death. Now, beyond God’s command, this is just plain and simple great advice! Why? Because adultery does nothing but blow up your marriage, your family, and your life. According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, national surveys indicate that 15% of married women and 25% of married men have had an affair. This increases about 20% higher when emotional affairs are included. 55% of marriages ended immediately after one partner admitted to cheating, with 30% deciding to stay together but eventually breaking up. The internet only makes it easier than ever, opening the door to more opportunities and exposure. In July 2015, hackers got into the registry of a website, Ashley Madison, billed as a meeting place to enable extramarital affairs. The hackers stole the data of 32 million members and eventually posted a list of names online for the world to see. It resulted in separations, divorces, lost careers, and even suicides. You would think lesson learned, right? By 2020, Ashley Madison’s user base had grown to 70 million people. Listen to the wisdom of Proverbs… Remember this: The lips of a seductress seem sweet like honey, and her smooth words are like music in your ears.But I promise you this: In the end all you’ll be left with is a bitter conscience. For the sting of your sin will pierce your soul like a sword. She will ruin your life, drag you down to death, and lead you straight to hell. Proverbs 5:3-5 TPT Listen, the Bible is not outdated or archaic when it comes to sex. Jesus is trying to give you something, not take something from you. Look at the carnage that surrounds us from the misuse of sex. Broken lives, broken marriages, broken families, broken communities, abuse, and trauma. But life in the Kingdom of God, a Christ-centered life, is life as God designed it for you. The fullness of life, a life more abundant and fulfilling, and that includes your sexual ethic. Here was the issue: the religious leaders of Jesus’ day had taken this covenant principle and made it solely about the outward act. They heard what God said, but they weren’t listening. So Jesus says protect your marriage and protect your mind just as much. But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Matthew 5:28 He’s going even further and says it’s not just about WHAT you do, but also what you THINK of doing. Listen to these two verses in the Message paraphrase… You know the next commandment pretty well, too: ‘Don’t go to bed with another’s spouse.’ But don’t think you’ve preserved your virtue simply by staying out of bed. Your heart can be corrupted by lust even quicker than your body. Those ogling looks you think nobody notices—they also corrupt. Matthew 5:27-28 MSG The letter of the law and the spirit of the law. The letter of the law is “do not commit,” but the spirit is “don’t let your heart go there” through a lustful look. So, we ask ourselves, is it possible to look at another person’s beauty and not lust? Yes, of course! My wife and I were recently talking with a woman we met, and Jamie says to me, “she has beautiful eyes, don’t you think?” Now listen, guys, if you get a question like that and your first thought is this is a trap, and I better get the answer right … “No, her eyes could never compare to yours, baby!” there are some issues in your relationship. There is nothing wrong or inherently sinful about noticing another person’s beauty. A lustful look is more than being aware of beauty. It’s what you do with the look. In his book The Good and Beautiful Life, James Bryan Smith writes, “Epithumia (ep-ee-thoo-mee’-ah)(the Greek word for lust) is not referring to the first look but to the second. The first look may be simple attraction, but the second is leering. Epithumia (ep-ee-thoo-mee’-ah)…intentionally cultivates sexual desire for the sake of the feeling itself. Love looks into the eyes; epithumia (ep-ee-thoo-mee’-ah)steals glances below them. Love values the other person; epithumia (ep-ee-thoo-mee’-ah) degrades the other.” Lust is unconcerned about willing the good of its object. It doesn’t care about the other person; it only cares to satisfy its desire. Human nature is drawn to what it doesn’t possess, that internal voice that says that’s what I need, want, or should have. We know the difference between an innocent look and a lustful look. A lustful look lets your eyes linger to nurture and cultivate and inflame sexual desire. The word emphasizes the intensity of the desire rather than the object desired. Jesus says you’re committing adultery in your heart. It doesn’t matter if that’s in person or virtual, walking down the street or leering at a screen. It’s a sin. It’s damaging. It’s deadly. Why? Because you are taking an identity and making it a commodity. That person who is subject to your lustful look carries the very image of God, the Imago Dei, their very identity. Beyond ethnicity or race, country of origin or language, gender, or any self-proclaimed identifier, every person carries the inherent identity of God within them as his creation. And lust takes that identity and makes it a commodity used to feed a sinful impulse. You’re taking an identity from creation and making it a commodity for consumption. Lust is an insatiable desire. I read the story this week of a shipwrecked crew who were drifting aimlessly on the ocean without water. Under the scorching sun, they grew dehydrated and deliriously thirsty. One night, while the others were asleep, one of the men gulped down salty ocean water, which contains almost seven times more salt than our kidneys can safely handle. The man quickly died. You see, the more salt water someone drinks, the thirstier they get, so they continue to drink, their thirst never satisfied, until they die. Studies using MRI scanners have found that patterns of brain activity in people experiencing lust are very similar to those in addicts receiving a cocaine fix. Here’s a crash course on how a few parts of the brain work. Deep inside the brain, there’s something called a reward center. You’ve got one, but so does your dog. The reward center’s job is to release a pleasure chemical called dopamine into your brain in response to behaviors that are perceived as positive, like eating a great taco, watching a beautiful sunset, or enjoying a kiss. The more you experience it, the more the brain longs for it and “rewards” you when experiencing it. Serotonin, which regulates your mood, becomes temporarily suppressed, leading to obsession and compulsion. It doesn’t take long for your neural pathways to be re-wired and new paths get carved. The behavior becomes almost automatic. Every day, you and I face the same as we confront someone or something alluring, attractive, and desirable that tempts us. Here’s something we have to understand; your thoughts are either the soil of your spiritual growth or your spiritual death. If you remember, back in Matthew 5:8, Jesus said those living the good life are the “pure in heart, for they will see God.” The word used here for heart doesn’t refer to an actual physical heart. It’s used figuratively to refer to the center of human life, the origin or source of our spiritual life. It refers to the inner person; the intellect, the affections, the will. You see, your heart reveals who you are, in the secrecy of your thoughts and feelings and motives, where nobody knows. But God does, and he’s concerned with your inside life just as much as your outward actions. Jesus continued… If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.” Matthew 5:29-30 Why would Jesus even say this? He’s using hyperbole, which is from a Greek word meaning “excess.” It’s a figure of speech that uses extreme exaggeration to make a point or show emphasis. It’s like saying, “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse, “I have a million things to do today,” or “my parents are going to kill me when they find out.” Well … that one could prove true in some circumstances. Hyperbole is a common biblical literary method of making a strong point. Now listen, Jesus is not advocating self-mutilation, but he is encouraging a life of self-denial. All sin begins with the imagination. Something you see is the seed of a thought. That thought, if left unchecked, metastasizes, it spreads, it will “causes you to stumble.” The Greek word is ‘scandalizo,’ which we get the word scandalize. It’s used in the active sense, which conveys the idea of enticing sin. It was originally the piece of wood that kept open a trap for animals, and it refers to the trigger that springs a surprise. Lust is a trap waiting to spring, leading to spiritual death. James, the half-brother of Jesus, said, (James 1:13-15) When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. James 1:13-15 So, what can you do in the fight against lust apart from gouging out your eye or cutting off your hand? Let me offer three suggestions. First, make a covenant . Make a covenant with yourself, which is fitting, since that’s what marriage is; it’s a covenant. We don’t talk a lot about covenants today. A covenant is a chosen relationship in which two parties make binding promises. In love, a husband and wife willingly enter into a covenant relationship binding themselves to one another in lifelong faithfulness and devotion. Listen to the words of Job (31:1), who said, “I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a young woman.” The truth Job knows is that what he sees may instantly affect his heart. What our eyes see fuels our thoughts, and what we think upon fuels our desires. He drew his line in the sand of his sexual ethic, beginning with his eyes. He wants to be pure in heart, pure before God, so he chooses to do what he can. He can control his eyes. Men are the worst offenders, and we know it, but many women struggle too. In this sexually-charged culture we live in, everyone is being bombarded by sexual images. It is almost impossible to shelter your eyes from them. They jump out at us in advertising, on the TV screen, they flood your social media feed. The group Casting Crowns has a song, Slow Fade, which is this very idea set to a melody. Listen to the lyric… “Be careful little eyes what you see; it’s the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings.” Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid when you give yourself away. People never crumble in a day; it’s a slow fade.” Make a covenant with yourself to do whatever is necessary to protect yourself, your marriage, your family, and your community. Make a covenant with your eyes. Second, create your guardrails for protection. Theologian John Stott said, “To obey this command of Jesus will involve for many of us a certain ‘maiming.’ We shall have to eliminate from our lives certain things which (though some may be innocent in themselves) either are or could easily become, sources of temptation.” The best guardrails address not just behaviors but patterns that lead to behaviors. To have healthy guardrails, you need to have a deep, honest awareness of your patterns. Patterns like procrastination, wasting time surfing online, lying, and deception with others, open the door to temptation and lead to behaviors. And for a guardrail to be effective, it needs to work when you feel like following it and when you don’t. The challenge for most is that we effectively keep our boundaries 90-95% of the time. This is great! What trips us up is that 5% when we just don’t have it in us. Maybe you’re tired. Maybe you fought with our spouse. Maybe you’re stressed at work. Maybe you’re angry your needs are not being met. Whatever the scenario, you will find yourself in a mood where you don’t care about your integrity or sexual ethic, and you need to have boundaries that cannot easily be moved or avoided. If you have patterns that seem unavoidable, where you keep going down that same path over and over again, create an immovable guardrail. *Are you attracted to your coworker? Stop meeting together for an afternoon coffee. *Are you battling with the programs you’re watching? Drop cable or your streaming service. *Is social media your downfall? Get off AND delete your accounts. Do whatever is necessary to protect yourself. Third, find an ally in your fight. I went through a season of singleness where the absence of love and affection in my life left a huge void. My two top love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation or love. I found myself longing for them and, in ways looking for them. I realized that I needed allies in my life that would fight alongside me, encourage me, keep me accountable and support me. There were times I had to humble myself, be honest about my struggle, and lean on them in moments of my weakness. Allies are friends at the deepest level. They are people with whom you will share your struggles. Allies are people who will support you no matter what. They’re proactive in your life, not just reactive. Allies are those rare friends who seek your good by challenging you to aspire to greater things and offering encouragement when you fail. Let me suggest two types of allies: in-person and online. In-person. This is someone you trust, a spiritual friendship, or a mentor. Someone who knows you and knows your struggles, and someone you know is for you, on your side, wants the best for you. Have an ally you can preemptively ask support from, “I will be alone this weekend, and I may get the urge to seek out pornography.” Or, instead of “I slept with my co-worker,” someone you can confess, “I am having thoughts about him/her that is not right.” You’re bringing to light the reality of sin in your heart that needs to be realigned with God’s heart and you’re doing it in community with another as God designed. Side note; if someone asks you to be their ally, here’s your job description. It’s pretty straightforward. It is not calling someone out on their sin and guilting them, but challenging them to be the person they are in Christ. You build up, not tear down. You seek their good. Online allies are support systems that step in when you can’t be in person with someone. One example; I discovered an app this week called Fortify After hearing from tens of thousands of individuals seeking healing and recovery from pornography and other forms of sexual compulsivity, the founders of Fortify decided to create an anonymous online tool to help connect with others from around the world who are on the same journey. They even have an “SOS Button” that you can push, and it tells all of your allies that you need help. The point is, don’t fight alone. Find an ally in your fight. Two last thoughts. First, if you are currently involved in an affair, physical or emotional, stop today, end it. Do not let it go on one day longer. Find a pastor, a counselor, a spiritually trustworthy man if you’re a man, a woman if you’re a woman, and confess. Take a step toward the immeasurable grace of God, who forgives and redeems. Second, if you live with the pain and trauma of a spouse having an affair, you are not alone, and it’s not hopeless. God can heal. He can restore. He can redeem. Keep your eyes on him. Let’s pray. Blue Oaks Church Pleasanton, CA