When “I Do” Doesn’t Last

I want to start by saying a few words about the subject Jesus addresses today because this will be close to home for a lot of people. || Maybe you’re struggling in your marriage and you’re not sure you want to hear what Jesus has to say about marriage and divorce. Maybe you’ve experienced divorce in your family growing up and you still feel the sadness of that. Maybe you’ve gone through a divorce and you know the pain involved with that. Maybe you went to a church where they taught divorce was the unforgivable sin and that made you feel like damaged goods. || My hope today is that this will be a message of great clarity, hope, and healing. || Let me give you the context before I read the passage of Scripture. || For the last couple months we’ve been learning what Jesus taught in the Sermon on the Mount, and the passage we look at today is part of a section where Jesus redefines what makes someone a good person. He started with anger. A good person is not just someone who obeys “You shall not murder.” We learned it’s about having a right heart when it comes to love and forgiveness and reconciliation. Then he goes on to sexuality. A good person is not just someone who avoids adultery. We learned it’s about having the right heart when it comes to protecting your marriage and protecting your mind. Now Jesus talks about who is a good person when it comes to divorce. And I want to warn you up front that Jesus words appear to be very harsh. || This is what Jesus said in Matthew 5:31-32 It has been said, “Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.” But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery. Now, immediately this raises all kinds of questions. If adultery is having an affair with a married person, and I were to commit adultery, why would getting a divorce from my wife make her a victim of adultery? And if I marry a woman who has been divorced, which would mean she’s single now, why would that make me an adulterer? Now, before we get into this, an important thing to remember is — Jesus was the smartest person who ever lived. He didn’t say things without a good reason. So we’ll walk through this one step, one thought, at a time. || The first thing to notice here is Jesus is addressing men. Generally in the sermon on the mount he’s addressing the whole crowd of men and women, but we saw last week with sexuality and this week with divorce he’s addressing the men. Why? Is it because women are relationally superior to men and it’s the men who need this kind of remedial attention? No. || In that day, only men had the power to get a divorce. That’s why he’s addressing the men. || In the ancient world, if you were a woman, your husband could divorce you at anytime for almost any reason, and you would be stuck with the kids and no money. And in the unlikely event that you were able to get money somehow (maybe your sons would grow up and make the farm profitable, or you would go to Nineveh and win at blackjack or something) your original husband could return at anytime and reclaim you, and the kids, and the money. You see, no man is going to marry you if husband number one, who left you, is still lurking around. If you were a woman and your marriage died, you were in deep trouble. || Now, the law of Moses in the Old Testament, compared to the ancient Near East, was striking in its concern for women. Moses put it like this, from Deuteronomy 24:1: If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce… You see, a certificate of divorce was actually a way of protecting women in the ancient world. It meant the first husband couldn’t come back and claim her. || A lot of these certificates have been found by archaeologists. They would actually say, “You are free to remarry any Jewish man you wish.” || So when Jesus is teaching about this in the Sermon on the Mount, what he’s basically saying is: “You’re all dividing up the good guys and the bad guys like this — the bad guys are the ones who divorce their wives by just walking out without giving them a certificate of divorce to protect them. “You’ve been thinking, ‘Marriage exists for me, for my fulfillment, so I’m free to divorce whenever I feel like it. As long as I give her a certificate of divorce, then I’m righteous in God’s eyes. I’m in compliance with the law of Moses.’” || I mentioned this before — in this section of the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus is not giving laws about anger, or adultery, or divorce. What he’s doing is describing the way a person who has surpassing righteousness — true God-given inner goodness — would think, and feel, and act. || You see, even in our day, divorce is usually disproportionately hard on women. Well, in the first century it was much worse. Unless the woman had a rich relative who would take her in as a servant (and that was unlikely), she basically had two choices. She could marry another man who would receive her as damaged goods, often as one of his multiple wives. Or she could become a prostitute. Either way, she would be living in a condition that would cause significant pain. And Jesus is teaching that a man who lives in the kingdom of God will recognize that, and he’ll be more concerned about the well-being of his wife than himself. A man who’s living in the kingdom of God will reject the “Keep your options open for a potential spouse upgrade” culture. He will consider his wife’s welfare above his own. He will will the good of his wife. || Again, Jesus is not giving laws here. He’s describing surpassing righteousness, surpassing goodness. || But I know, for many people, there’s a serious question they’re asking, which is — “When is divorce acceptable from a biblical point of view?” So I want to look at what rabbis in Jesus’ day taught about divorce and then see what else Jesus teaches. || We’ve already seen in the book of Deuteronomy that divorce is permissible on the grounds of indecency. Indecency in Hebrew could mean uncleanness regarding sexuality. If there was sexual immorality it was grounds for divorce. So that was one ground for divorce where there would be permission to remarry. || But we’re left to wonder, “What about other cases? What about when there was abuse or abandonment?” Well, those cases were covered in the Old Testament as well in kind of a roundabout way from a passage in the book of Exodus. || In Exodus 21, the law covers what happens if a man takes a second wife, which would happen in the ancient world. This passage is designed to protect the rights of the first wife. The writer of Scripture says: If he marries another woman, he must not deprive the first one of her food, clothing and marital rights. If he does not provide her with these three things, she is to go free, without any payment of money. (Exodus 21:10-11) Again, the law was seeking to protect women in the ancient world. || In the ancient world, when a husband took on a second wife, the first wife tended to be mistreated. The law said he made a vow when he married his first wife to provide support, food, clothing, and love. If he breaks that vow, she’s free to leave, to get a divorce, and that would mean getting a certificate and being able to remarry. || Over time, rabbis looked at these two passages — the one in Deuteronomy and the one in Exodus — and said: “Here’s the overarching principle involved — marriage is a vow that covers three areas: fidelity (which means sexual faithfulness), provision (which means food, clothing, and shelter), and love (which means sexual intimacy and affection). When these vows are broken, the victim of the broken vow has the right to get divorced and remarry.” || Rabbis would debate what constituted breaking these vows — how much food, what kind of clothing. They would make rules about sexual love. Rabbis said a husband had to offer to be intimate with his wife twice a week or she could divorce him. This is from the ancient rabbinic world. Rabbis would sometimes teach that a man had to offer sex once a week if he was a donkey driver. It’s kind of like a truck driver who was on the road a lot. Or if the husband was unemployed, he had to offer sex every night or she could divorce him. I’m not making this up. || Now did rabbis believe there could be biblical grounds for divorce around abandonment or abuse? Of course they did. Abandonment was an extreme form of breaking the vow to provide. Abuse was an extreme form of breaking the vow to love. || So that was the rabbinic framework for understanding marriage and divorce and remarriage. || In Jesus’ day, there was a completely new development. || Two of the most famous rabbis for a few decades in the time of Jesus were Hillel and Shammai. Rabbi Hillel had a new interpretation of Deuteronomy 24:1. He claimed that the text said a man could divorce his wife for “any cause” of indecency. So rabbis in Hillel’s school decided that this any-cause divorce was available only to men and “any cause” covered any fault you could conceive of. And they wrote down different potential ones. Rabbis said things like: If she spoiled dinner. If she walked around with her hair unbound. If she argued in a voice loud enough to be heard by a neighbor. This is a new kind of divorce in Jesus’ day: any-cause divorce. || One drawback to any-cause divorce was it was more expensive. If you could prove that your wife was guilty of breaking a vow, like adultery, then you didn’t have to pay back the marriage inheritance promised at a wedding. But if you did the any-cause divorce — just divorce her because you didn’t like her cooking or something, then the husband had to pay this price back. || So the rabbi, Hillel, is saying there is now a new divorce option that’s available to Israel: any-cause divorce. And it wasn’t very long after Hillel that this kind of divorce for any cause at all was the most popular. And you may remember a case in the Bible where it was actually considered. || When Joseph found out that his fiancée Mary was pregnant, we’re told: Because Joseph was faithful to the law, and yet did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly. (Matthew 1:19) In that day, even when you were engaged, to break off the relationship required a divorce. When the writer of Scripture says he had in mind to divorce her quietly, that’s not a vague adjective. It’s actually a technical term. It meant he would not call her an adulterer in court — he would get an any-cause divorce. That meant he would pay the price. He would support the child. || So any-cause divorce is based on this interpretation from Rabbi Hillel that says Deuteronomy was saying you could divorce your wife for any cause. || However, Rabbi Shammai and his followers disagreed. They said, “No, that passage in Deuteronomy refers only to sexual immorality,” so only breaking that vow, or the vows of provision and love from Exodus 21 were legal grounds for divorce. They said that any-cause divorce was wrong. || In Jesus’ day this was a big debate. We’re told one time some Pharisees came to Jesus to test him, or trap him. Matthew 19:3 Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?” When they did this, they were not asking Jesus, “Rabbi, is divorce always against the law?” That was not debated. Divorce is in Moses’ law. It was done in the case of vow breaking. No rabbi would ask, “Is it lawful for us to follow Moses’ law?” What they’re asking Jesus here is, “How do you interpret Deuteronomy 24:1? Are you a Hillel guy or a Shammai guy?” || The Pharisees already know Jesus rejects the any-cause school — that you can just divorce your wife for any reason at all. He has already talked about that. They know he’s a Shammai guy on this one. And here’s why it’s a trap. You might know that the ruler of Galilee back then was a man named Herod. We talked a few weeks ago about how Herod built Sepphoris, the great city built on a hill that could not be hidden. Well Herod was married to his first wife. But he fell in love with a woman named Herodias. Herodias was already married… to Herod’s brother. So Herod divorced his first wife. He got an any-cause divorce. And he had Herodias divorce her husband, his brother, and then he married her, his sister-in-law. || John the Baptist talked about this. We’re told in the gospel of Matthew, John the Baptist courageously said to Herod, “It is not lawful for you to have her — that any-cause divorce wasn’t valid.” Do you remember what happened to John the Baptist? Herod cut off his head. || Now Herod is looking for Jesus. So when Jesus says, “John was right; any-cause divorces are wrong,” guess who’s the first person those religious leaders will make sure hears about this? Of course that’s Herod. || So Jesus responds. Matthew 19:4 “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” (Matthew 19:4-6) Jesus is taking marriage back to Genesis… and this is loaded. || If you look at what God does in Genesis — he separates and then joins together. He separates light from darkness and puts them together to make a day. He separates sky from the earth and puts them together to make our environment. He separates dry land from the seas and puts them together to make our planet. Creation is God separating and then joining to defeat chaos and create shalom. Then he creates man, and he makes a woman… Do you remember what he makes her from? From the rib. People think, “That seems a little unscientific.” Well, there’s an Old Testament scholar named John Walton. He writes brilliantly about this. That word rib is much better translated side, and you’ll see that in footnotes in newer translations. In other words, the writer is not describing the process of the physical construction of the woman’s skeleton. It’s not like God is using Legos or something. The writer is naming God’s intent about the nature of man and woman in marriage. They are created with equal worth, to stand side by side, to have a capacity of separateness but then also oneness — side by side. God separates day from night. God separates sky from land. God separates sea from land. And now male and female are made to be separate so they can be joined together, and the two shall become one flesh. This is new creation, new shalom — oneness of heart and will and servanthood, like Father, Son, and Spirit are one. It’s a beautiful passage. || Jesus is saying, what this means is — divorce is undoing creation. It’s unraveling shalom. That’s why Jesus says, “What God has joined together, let no one separate.” That’s why the writers of Scripture are so serious, so severe about divorce. || If this feels a little heavy on you right now — if you’ve been through this pain — I want you to imagine how the disciples felt when they heard Jesus teaching this stuff. || When he got done, their response was this: The disciples said to him, “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.” (Matthew 19:10) In other words, “If I’m just going to be stuck with her, who in their right mind would do that?” || The Pharisees are sure Jesus can’t be right, so they have another question. “Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?” (Matthew 19:7) They’re referring to that Deuteronomy 24 passage. Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.” (Matthew 19:8) Jesus is getting to the real issue when it comes to grounds for divorce. As we’ve seen over and over in the Sermon on the Mount, it comes not to behavioral compliance but to the heart. The problem that necessitates the tragedy of divorce is the ultimate problem of the human condition — hard-heartedness. Jesus didn’t say, “Moses commanded you to get divorced.” He said, “He permitted it because of hard-heartedness.” || In our day, the most common reason given for divorce is incompatibility, but Jesus doesn’t say, “Because of incompatibility Moses said ‘Give the woman a certificate of divorce.’” || G.K. Chesterton, a great Christian writer, wrote: I have known many happy marriages, but never a compatible one. The whole aim of marriage is to fight through and survive the instant when incompatibility becomes unquestionable. For a man and a woman, as such, are incompatible. — G.K. Chesterton || Someone may break a core marriage vow. Even that is not some kind of mechanical or legalistic grounds for divorce. If your spouse breaks a vow but then is repentant, softhearted — rebuild the marriage if that’s possible. || If your spouse refuses to repent, if there’s stubbornness, defiance, a rejection of reconciliation, a refusal to seek counseling, if there’s a continued rejection of physical intimacy, a willful continuation of patterns of deceit, abandonment, stealing, or cruelty, then divorce may be the only option. || I want to give you a few pastoral words here. If you’re married, grow your marriage. Don’t take it for granted. Know details about your spouse’s day. Serve your spouse. Cheer your spouse on. Work at your marriage. || One of the biggest predictors of divorce is when communication has turned to judgment and contempt — “Can you please help your fatherless son with his homework?” || Now, I have to tell you on a personal level, my marriage is very, very imperfect, but being married to Kathy is the greatest human gift I have. She is my number-one fan. She is also my number-one critic. And if you think those two don’t go together you do not know what it is to be loved by someone who wants for you to become your best self. When she is in fan mode — cheering me on, encouraging me, affirming me, praising me, believing in me, I love it. When she’s in critic mode — challenging me, confronting me, I love it… mostly. || If you’re married, I want to give you an assignment — ask your spouse sometime today “How are we doing… really?” And then listen without getting defensive. || I know people who take their business, and their career, and their finances, and their health very seriously. But they never think about their marriage. Every marriage can grow because every person can grow. || If your marriage is hard (and Kathy and I have known those seasons), seek wise counsel, pray, read, ask friends to pray for you, get help, get support. It’s worth heroic effort, because marriage is what God has joined together. || Some of you are working on marriages that are very difficult right now, and I want you to know that this is a place where everyone is cheering you on. By the way, guess how many perfect marriages we have at our church? || Every marriage is a marriage between two great big sinners, held together by the grace of God. There are some churches where there’s this kind of separation: married people are good, divorced people are bad. That’s precisely the kind of superficial approach to who’s good and who’s not that Jesus is actually going against in the Sermon on the Mount. I say that because maybe you’ve been through divorce and you wonder what God has left for you. Will you be stuck with plan B? || You ought to know about a pastor whose marriage ended, and he thought, “God is never going to use me now.” Then he discovered grace and got back in the game. His name is Scott Haus, and for several years now, God has been using him in some incredible ways in this church. || This is real important because sometimes church people for whom marriage is working right can grow kind of smug and self-righteous about it. I’ve heard people in churches say things like, “Well, I don’t see why people struggle with their marriages. I’m not struggling. People shouldn’t struggle.” I want to say this: If your marriage is going really well today, maybe it’s because you are a morally superior person. Maybe. Maybe it’s because your dysfunction and your spouse’s dysfunction happen to lead to massive conflict avoidance. Maybe that’s why things are going so well. Maybe it’s a gift of grace. And there’s no grounds for smugness or self-righteousness that will destroy community and wither your soul. || Maybe you’ve been through the pain of divorce. Maybe it happened to you although you desperately wanted it not to happen. Well, you need to be embraced. You need healing. || Maybe you’ve been through a divorce, and the truth is you shoulder a whole lot of responsibility for it and you need a place to hear truth and to repent. || Maybe you’re here and you’re in a marriage but it’s struggling, and you need a place of understanding and openness. You’re involved in a noble struggle to seek to honor your vows when it’s difficult to honor them, not as a martyr, but as a sincere covenant-keeper. That’s an honorable quest. || There is room for everyone here, but there is no room for arrogant hearts and judgmental spirits. We will be a community of grace and truth where marriages can be built up, broken hearts can be healed, and God can be glorified. || Let me ask you a question as we close: Who do you think is the most spiritually significant divorced person in the Bible? At first I thought maybe the Samaritan woman at the well. You might know her story. She’d been through five husbands, was now living with a guy she wasn’t even married to. Jesus honors her with the longest conversation he ever had in the Bible. She became the first preacher about Jesus, and saved her whole town. But she’s only number two. || I’ll tell you about this most significant divorced person in Scripture. || The main picture God used to describe his relationship with his people was that it was a covenant like a marriage. Israel was like his bride. Then God makes this statement through the prophet Jeremiah: I gave faithless Israel her certificate of divorce and sent her away because of all her adulteries. (Jeremiah 3:8) That’s God. God knows the humiliation of rejection and the pain of betrayal from hard-hearted people like me. God says through the prophet Jeremiah that he’s been through a divorce. || And the deep reality is we are all implicit in this divorce God is talking about. We have all been unfaithful to God, and that’s why any church that divides people into non-divorced first-class Christians and divorced second-class Christians is theologically wrong and spiritually destructive. On the most important spiritual level — we have all been unfaithful. We all need God’s grace. So receive it. And live in it. And extend it to others who need it. Alright let me pray for you. Blue Oaks Church Pleasanton, CA